Discretion,
two dollars in the mail, already sealed.
If two dollars are already mailed,
what's the chance of a three dollar bill?
I folded them neatly in a pill box,
folded them shut, neatly piling them face to face,
identical twins frozen in a kiss.
The pill box rattled in the box sent in.
I wonder if the rattling upset my stomach,
why this identical rattle, why this pill box dislodged
from the cardboard that somehow molded itself
into the contours of the pill box.
My rumblings smoothed out as I smoothed out the label.
12/25/2011
9/26/2011
Voice
Little voice,
come on out.
I hear you hiding in the upstage.
I found you lost, long ago,
but you decided to put on a robe and go.
Little voice,
Eating in a corner,
Writing in a circle,
Where did you leave your pencil and jingoisms?
I found them on the wall, smudged and stenciled out,
like pearly white teeth with thousands of crossed-over braces.
Little voice,
How does your garden grow,
with empty shells and puppy dog snippets,
all in a row.
Little voice,
Did you lose your way
through oracles
and jagged tusks,
leaving behind
scraps of yourself?
Little voice,
How do you do now,
In your cloistered holster
with blushing droplets
of ocean air?
come on out.
I hear you hiding in the upstage.
I found you lost, long ago,
but you decided to put on a robe and go.
Little voice,
Eating in a corner,
Writing in a circle,
Where did you leave your pencil and jingoisms?
I found them on the wall, smudged and stenciled out,
like pearly white teeth with thousands of crossed-over braces.
Little voice,
How does your garden grow,
with empty shells and puppy dog snippets,
all in a row.
Little voice,
Did you lose your way
through oracles
and jagged tusks,
leaving behind
scraps of yourself?
Little voice,
How do you do now,
In your cloistered holster
with blushing droplets
of ocean air?
9/02/2011
First Week of Work
I am finishing up my first week of work at College of Alameda right now. It is not a teaching position, but it is in the education field. At least I am staying in my field.
The people here are really nice. The campus is petite and attractive.
Watching episodes of Mad Men again. Best show on TV period.
Taking one theatre class at City College SF, with same teacher. Practicing focus/concentration exercises. Very serious teacher. She will flunk you, there's no question.
I always get A's in her class.
It's interesting to note where my brain sways back and forth these days. I suppose I have lots to say, I just don't know how to put it into words. The best way would be to just type and not think: automatic writing.
More on PhD's and M.A.'s and M.F.A.'s later. Have fun this weekend, all.
The people here are really nice. The campus is petite and attractive.
Watching episodes of Mad Men again. Best show on TV period.
Taking one theatre class at City College SF, with same teacher. Practicing focus/concentration exercises. Very serious teacher. She will flunk you, there's no question.
I always get A's in her class.
It's interesting to note where my brain sways back and forth these days. I suppose I have lots to say, I just don't know how to put it into words. The best way would be to just type and not think: automatic writing.
More on PhD's and M.A.'s and M.F.A.'s later. Have fun this weekend, all.
8/29/2011
Taking Sides
I have decided to stop talking to my sister for a while. This has been building up for a long time now. It has finally come to a head.
It's very difficult for me to get along with family, but my sister has been the most difficult part of it these days. We have gone down such distinctly different roads that it's hard to understand each other. And truth is, we are more like strangers than ever before. We don't understand each other's grievances.
I wish her the very best, but she needs to respect my boundaries.
It's very difficult for me to get along with family, but my sister has been the most difficult part of it these days. We have gone down such distinctly different roads that it's hard to understand each other. And truth is, we are more like strangers than ever before. We don't understand each other's grievances.
I wish her the very best, but she needs to respect my boundaries.
8/11/2011
Bit of Gold Shining Through
Well, I finally found a job, and yes, it is in my field, at the College of Alameda. Quite a commute, but hey, I am willing to work there until I find a better gig.
What does that mean? I am going to make it by the skin of my teeth (WhereTF did that expression ever come from?). In other words, I ain't leavin'.
I stuck to it, I'm going to eat cracker and cheese for maybe the next six months, but hey, I'm surviving. Gonna' ride The Depression Waves until they break.
What does that mean? I am going to make it by the skin of my teeth (WhereTF did that expression ever come from?). In other words, I ain't leavin'.
I stuck to it, I'm going to eat cracker and cheese for maybe the next six months, but hey, I'm surviving. Gonna' ride The Depression Waves until they break.
8/08/2011
Sticking to "It"
Been a rough going at its right now. Decided to stay on as long as I can in the Bay, fight this out.
Helps that the landlady gave me a free month of rent, since I have been a great tenant. I am the quietest, cleanest, tenant she has had (makes me frightened to think what she had in the past).
Haven't had much to say lately. That's a lie.
After all of these four years studying, researching, and working my ass off, I have become more and more introspective; hard to imagine, since if you've met me and don't really know me you would assume that I am mild-mannered.
For those that have read this, you know that I am very much the opposite. I am self-contained, saving myself for the ones who I really feel I can share myself with.
I had a hard run-in with reality, and it is making me reconsider the PhD (for now). I don't know what to do about it, so I need time to think. Suffice it to say, it was somebody very important to my future who told me this, and it made me very sad.
Given my past, I am lucky to have gotten as far as I have. Grew up in a hoodrat school where I barely graduated (my roots are hood, or poser hood, for those that know The Sizzle (South Sac)). Got a BA, then an M.A. What next?
I want to act again. I am tired of this pedantic bullshit. I have an audition on Sept. 10th. Hopefully I'll have a job before then so I can do the acting gig. That is, if the gig doesn't pay more than a stipend.
Back to my first love, homies.
Helps that the landlady gave me a free month of rent, since I have been a great tenant. I am the quietest, cleanest, tenant she has had (makes me frightened to think what she had in the past).
Haven't had much to say lately. That's a lie.
After all of these four years studying, researching, and working my ass off, I have become more and more introspective; hard to imagine, since if you've met me and don't really know me you would assume that I am mild-mannered.
For those that have read this, you know that I am very much the opposite. I am self-contained, saving myself for the ones who I really feel I can share myself with.
I had a hard run-in with reality, and it is making me reconsider the PhD (for now). I don't know what to do about it, so I need time to think. Suffice it to say, it was somebody very important to my future who told me this, and it made me very sad.
Given my past, I am lucky to have gotten as far as I have. Grew up in a hoodrat school where I barely graduated (my roots are hood, or poser hood, for those that know The Sizzle (South Sac)). Got a BA, then an M.A. What next?
I want to act again. I am tired of this pedantic bullshit. I have an audition on Sept. 10th. Hopefully I'll have a job before then so I can do the acting gig. That is, if the gig doesn't pay more than a stipend.
Back to my first love, homies.
8/03/2011
Either/Or
I have to make a decision to move back home or go for somewhere cheaper in SF, possibly the Sunset (where all the struggling artists reside). I have to figure this out soon.
As you know, I would loathe to move back home. However, I could save enough money with an in-between job until I have to move away for one of the programs. That is, if I get in the very first year (have to deal with the possibility that, despite my excellent academic record and experience, times are tought right now, and upper education may be suffering the worst during these times, so I may not get in the first year.). What do I do?
The people I could move in with are Vegans. That means no meat. I will be living off of next to nothing. But I must move. My landlady keeps raising the rent and fixes absolutely nothing. I am finally done with living there.
I also dislike Sacramento so much, it would be hard to become acclimated. As you may know, the theatre environment is almost invisible there. Also, my family hates the theatre (or doesn't understand it, which pretty much amounts to the same thing) and are beyond unsupportive. It is difficult to maintain self-assurance with people who are the least self-assured. That is my family and their dilemma, though, and not mine anymore. I will strive despite their worst efforts.
What do I do now?
As you know, I would loathe to move back home. However, I could save enough money with an in-between job until I have to move away for one of the programs. That is, if I get in the very first year (have to deal with the possibility that, despite my excellent academic record and experience, times are tought right now, and upper education may be suffering the worst during these times, so I may not get in the first year.). What do I do?
The people I could move in with are Vegans. That means no meat. I will be living off of next to nothing. But I must move. My landlady keeps raising the rent and fixes absolutely nothing. I am finally done with living there.
I also dislike Sacramento so much, it would be hard to become acclimated. As you may know, the theatre environment is almost invisible there. Also, my family hates the theatre (or doesn't understand it, which pretty much amounts to the same thing) and are beyond unsupportive. It is difficult to maintain self-assurance with people who are the least self-assured. That is my family and their dilemma, though, and not mine anymore. I will strive despite their worst efforts.
What do I do now?
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